3:54 am

It will just come to you. It just overwhelms your body like cold chills. The yearning, the desire, the time to let go. Be over it . 

You will never be able to make someone love you. You will never be able to make someone see how much you love them. If they are not looking, they’ll never see it.   

I’ve literally said all I can fucking say. I’ve literally done all I can do. 

I never thought that I wouldn’t want you anymore but it turns out I don’t. 

I won’t miss you ignoring my calls. Ignoring my text messages. I won’t miss you always telling me there is something wrong with everything I do down to way I breathe. I won’t miss you hurting me on purpose by flirting with girls in my presence. I won’t miss the yearning, the wondering . 

I’ve had enough.! I’m done.! 

HE wants to dream with me. HE wants to grow with me. HE likes me for me.

I’ve been too busy the last three months trying to get you to love me that I couldn’t give someone a chance to even know my name. 

Well times have changed and I am no longer playing your game . 

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Delayed

Sometimes I can’t move my feet it seems.                                                    As if I’m stuck in the ground somehow like a tree..                       As if I can’t even breatheeeeee. And my screams come whispering out.. As if nobody can even see me.

Then again if I were a king,

IF I had everythinggg. . .

..If had you aaand I could give you your dreamsss.

If I were giant sizee, on top of it all..Tell me what in the world would I sing for. .

If I had it all.

sometimes I feel losst.as I pull you out like strings of memories.

Wish I could weave them into you.

THEN I could figure the whole damn puzzle out..but then again..

IF IM WERE KING..IF I HAD EVERYTHING..If I had you then I could give you your dreams..IF I WERE GIANT-SIZEEE ON TOP OF IT ALL..

..tell me what I’m the world would I go on for ..

If I had it all…

Shit Storms.

You don’t love her by trying to fix her. She sees you as her lover, not her psychiatrist. She doesn’t want a diagnosis, she wants commitment. You don’t have to figure her out because she’s already figuring herself out, trying to rebuild the missing pieces that were robbed from her. She doesn’t want you to focus on why she’s broken because she doesn’t want you to suffer the burden of repairing her. She’s got this. She just wants you to believe in her.You love her in the way you hold her, Because that moment reassures her that she won’t be abandoned. In your arms, she’ll feel safe. She doesn’t trust words anymore because she knows all too well how poisonous they truly are. Holding her without a sound is a melody that lets her know this is real and she is safe. She takes comfort in your touch because it carries more weight to how much you love her than the actual words. Love is honest communication.

You love her by talking to her about anything and everything, especially in those intimate late night conversations. She knows you’re here to stay by how you’re honest with her. 
Honesty is not brutality. 

She’s not interested in the kind of honesty that points out what’s wrong with her but the kind that helps her to think and compromise.
She can’t help but think the worst when it comes to potential problems in the relationship because she knows there’s going to be problems as with all relationships. But at the same time, she’s willing to be positive and take that risk because she trusts you enough to work with you through all the kinks.

You love her in patience. When she was in an emotionally abusive relationship, she forgot who she was in all the shards that went deep into her heart. She’s now relearning who she is and is falling back into love with herself. Healing takes time which is why it’s important to be patient with her insecurities. 

Wait for her to believe you when you say she’s beautiful because she will believe it soon. Her scars are still closing and her heart is growing whole again. So treasure it well.

Puppets

The point is I was infatuated from the very first ‘hello’.

The point is I fell in love with you.

The point is I do want you in my life. 

The point is I can’t help but think about you. 

The point is I need you. 

..but none of that changes anything . 

The point is, I don’t want to love you anymore. The point is you can not be in my life anymore. The point is I fight the memories of you. 

The point is, that even though I need you, you don’t deserve my energy, my time, my space, my joy, my presence. 

The point is I need you to stop the “how are you?” checkups. 

The point is, that’s a stupid question. 

Between the Pieces

Thank you for giving up on me. Thank you for believing that I’ll never be good enough and for making me feel like I’ll never be someone you appreciate or respect.

If it wasn’t for your constant disapproval and rejection, I wouldn’t have found my own voice and I wouldn’t have found the courage and the strength to fight your voices and follow my own.

Thank you for giving up on me so easily, you taught me how to fight for myself.

Thank you for not waiting for me or giving me a chance. Thank you for being impatient and thinking that this is all there is to me. Thank you for pushing me away and guiding me to a better place, guiding me to find better people who believed in me and accepted me and thank you for giving me a reason to walk away from you forever — a reason never to look back.

Thank you for not missing me when I was gone, thank you for not trying to win me back, thank you for showing me how l meant nothing to you. You made me realize that you were full of lies, you were fake, nothing about you was real and we never really had anything in common.

Thank you for making me feel like I’m hard to love, thank you for choosing other people over me, thank you for making me feel unworthy because you taught me to see my worth, you taught me to choose myself and you taught me that no matter how difficult I can be, I still deserve to be loved. I deserve to be embraced with all my flaws, but more than anything, thank you for showing me that you don’t deserve me.

Thank you for giving up on me when I needed you to be there. Thank you for letting me down when I thought you would lift me up and thank you for closing the door when I came knocking on it.

You taught me how to survive, you taught me how to depend on myself and how to find my happiness away from you. You made me realize that I don’t have to be defined by how you saw me or how you treated me. You made me realize that I can redefine myself and my life.

Thank you for getting out of my life, I know now that losing you was the only way to find myself and I know that I needed you to give up on me so I can never again settle for someone who would easily let me go. 

Car Accident 

She said 

” I just wanna talk to you ‘sister to sister‘. I was so mad at you …for the predicament that happened that night with you and that white girl. I walked in on her saying “I know what Koffi dick”..
– and I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know . How could I? 

“Yeah so I guess they share pussy, I mean with you and what I saw”

Witness was the word she said. Not saw. Shockingly it didn’t shock me. I got my heart broken because of the ‘predicament ‘ ..so I know.

Silence was in the air. Nothing exciting.

People say I talk too much. .. but those people that say that .. do not know my silence is turned into a storm. 

I can take all kinds of abuse because I make excuses for my ‘piece of shit ‘ sperm donor. He didn’t love me. How can I expect anyone, male/ female to respect me?

Where are the cameras? The 45/7 film crew? 

At some point I have to be like …

I deserve, demand , expect better” 

I demand respect, 

I am a human being also, 

I will. 

Pearl Surfaces. 

I didn’t think about it. I didn’t question it till about twenty minutes after. I realize that it’s just always going to feel this way… to me. 

Misery’s the moment when I lost you.

I’d give anything , really. Can’t really ever be there, then again we can’t ever be just here . 

I love you, I love you

One day.